Just Not My Type
by VodkandCoke
Summary: America has some words to say to the former empire who pines for him so obviously.  Mentions of other pairings, and blatant  EXTREME  character bashing. You have been warned. If you love England or USUK then don't read it.


"You're kinda like the Paris Hilton of nations, ya know? It's like, you're not very pretty – only Paris has had surgery so she looks kinda hot I guess – but everyone wants to say they had sex with you at least once, and even then it stops becoming such a big deal because it's not a hard thing to do," America shrugged nonchalantly, taking a noisy slurp of his soda, before continuing.

"So you see, it's nothing personal, it just wouldn't really look good for my rep if I dated you. That and I kinda found someone else..." the blonde superpower blushed slightly, averting his eyes under the others intense glare.

"Who?"

"Well you know him of course – I don't know how well – but yeah, he's like super manly. Totally my type – another reason we can't be together, you're too emotionally feminine and I can't deal with emotional roller coasters – but yeah, he's like super manly and tall. The tall, dark, and silent type if you get what I mean. He doesn't talk much...but when he does, Gosh is he sweet. Always giving me flowers for no reason, and he actually listens to me when I talk instead of just bitching and insulting me – which makes me wonder why you want to hook up, all you do is bitch at me anyway."

Everyone thinks he's scary looking, even Finland, and they were married, right?...at least I think so. Anyway, yeah, Sweden is a pretty swell guy and we've been committed for a while now." America finally stopped talking long enough to take a breath and a bite of his delicious Big Mac.

"...You've rejected me, for _Sweden_?"

"Well no. I rejected you because you're you – no offense," America added hastily. For all his usual callousness, the nation was not intentionally cruel, but succinct honesty seemed to be the only way to get through to the other nation. He could sympathize. Most of the time, unless something was blatantly pointed out to him or shoved in his face, he rarely listened, especially if it was something he was heavily in denial about.

The shorter nation – and not ridiculously small like those fan-girls portrayed him to be – huffed harshly, astonishing large eyebrows – or were those caterpillars? - furrowing downward so it appeared as if not only his lips were scowling, but his entire face, which was pretty cool, if America did say so himself. Just not something he would want to wake up to and see first thing in the morning.

"I'm not always like this you know, I do know how to laugh and have a good time."

"I'm not saying you don't. When you took care of me you were so sweet and I really loved and admired you. I wanted to be just like you, but...I don't know, maybe I was naive and didn't see it back then. Our personalities just don't mesh. We're like ying and yang, dark and light, fire and ice."

"Opposites attract, you know."

"I know, why do you think me and Sweden get along so great? We're both awesome and stuff, but I'm loud and he's super quiet. But for the most part we like the same things, and even though he appears old, he likes a lot of the same stuff I do. We love horror movies, video games – when he has time of course – sports...you don't like any of those things. You like to drink tea, knit, and read Jane Austin. You're more of a potential grandma than a boyfriend"

"Listen here you little git!" the washed-up empire sneered, facing growing red with anger like one of Spain's prized tomatoes. "I don't need to stand here and listen to all this bullocks! I've been around the world enough times-"

"Slut," America coughed obviously into his hand.

"ENOUGH times, to have options. You aren't the only one you self-centered little bastard."

"Awesome then, why don't you go with one of them, don't you and France have like..super sexual tension or something?"

"...France is with that moronic, even more oblivious than you arsehole, Spain."

"Jealousy isn't very attractive."

"I'm not jealous!"

"Right," America winked. "So have you tried China? I know you've invaded his nether regions more than once for his goods if ya know what I mean, heh."

"He's with South Korea."

"No kidding? Should have figured. How about Japan?"

"Greece."

America sighed dreamily. "Talk about an Adonis, Japan is one lucky guy. Hmm, this is getting tough. How 'bout that big ole Russki?"

"Pfft. He's still hell-bent on become one with _Amerika_," the nation mimicked cruelly with a poor Russian accent, "But for the time he's with his former love interest, Lithuania."

"So basically everyone's taken?"

"Pretty much."

America's face deadpanned. "So I was a last resort?"

"You certainly weren't my first choice."

"Good to know, now you shouldn't feel so bad about not being one of my choices at all," America smiled tightly. Even though he didn't care for the other romantically speaking and would never reciprocate his feelings, no one ever liked being merely an option out of many.

"Don't be so immature."

"Whatever old man, have fun knitting sweaters with unicorns and talking to your imaginary friends-"

"They are NOT imaginary-"

"So yeah," America cut him off, "I got to go, I've wasted enough time already and my date is in 5 minute. You know those Europeans, always right on time. Anyhoo, later!"

With a resounding click the line went dead and once more England was left alone in his dark common room, with nothing but a slicing loneliness and a heart full of regret.

...and maybe a bottle or two of whiskey.

**A/n: Just some anti-USUK stuff. I feel like I'm drowning in this pairing all the time. I go on under the character tab "America" and I swear I might as well have just chosen England. Anyhoo, blah blah I respect people who like this pairing, yadda yadda. Not meant to be taken seriously. I haven't written anything in like almost a year or more and the only inspirations I have involve bashing England in some way. Real mature, right? -snort- Sweden/America is a great crack pair, it really is. :D that is all.**


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